Nation: ‘In America, you have cookie aisles’

“Diamond” David Welfare; Lauren McGrath, Australian B.A.S.S. Nation Marketing; Drew McGrath, Australian B.A.S.S. Nation President.

“Thunder…”

Dateline: Inside down under

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” ~Charles M. Schulz

Do you bite an Oreo?

Or, do you twist it open and lick the white stuff first?

Or, or, are you an Oreo milk dipper?

This world has gotten way to complex for me so to deal with it I’ve simplified it just a little.

I judge a country, by its cookies. Baked goods not computer bugs.

Cookie insight.

So you know, if I pass you a cookie tray, I’m polling you.

Oreos are my go to research methodology, if Freud baked, flour would be your “superego.”

“Diamond” David Welfare: “In Australia we have maybe, maybe, just one shelf of cookies in our supermarkets.”

I’m a huge fan of Australia, love the country, the people, AC/DC, Olivia, that big rock thing, the reef, but the more “Diamond” David talks the more I’m worried about traveling into the future by Delta to get there.

“And Oreos, we have maybe a couple packs and they are just the black ones with the white filling.”

I write this down in my reporter’s notebook…“cookie blasphemy.”

Then I ask this: “Do you have milk there?”

And the Australians at the round tabletop just look at me…welcome to the B.A.S.S. Nation Championship registration dinner…and the possible mistake of letting me wander table to table.

“…went through to Texas…”

“When you don’t know that you don’t know, it’s a lot different than when you do know that you don’t know.”
~ Bill Parcells

“Hey mate, you know I’ve got a kilo on my body.”

“Huh, excuse me.”

I am roaming the B.A.S.S. Nation registration dinner, I’m rounding the back corner of the banquet room. I’ve done a bunch of these dinners, and at not one, NOT A ONE has anyone ever mentioned the word “kilo” to me.

“Um, hmmm, uh…”

“Right here…”

This photo was taken at almost the exact moment the guy in the black tee shirt was going to show me the Kilo he had with him, you see the look on my face, turns out that’s my “showing me your kilo” look.

My kilo look…

“A wait, um…”

“It’s right here,” and then he grabs his belly and jiggles it and nothing fell out.

“Walmart did it to me (that same photo above works for this quote too, that’s also my “Walmart did it to me” look). I walked in and looked around and was floored I just stood there and started pointing, I want to eat that, and that, and that, that too, and that…”

“Who are you (same photo as above)?”

“I’m Diamond David Welfare, I’m with the Australian B.A.S.S. team. In Australia I work for the supermarket chain Aldi as the buying assistant quality assurance guy, and mate I have to tell you, America has the greatest supermarkets ever.”

I’m thinking, good God this man is going to faint if he ever walks into a Wegman’s.

“I’m going to eat my way through Texas…”

I sit down at the Aussie/Indiana table (the absolute magic of the B.A.S.S. Nation to be able to write that sentence).

“I need to have some American BBQ, need to have some American Mexican food, Mexican Mexican food in Australia not like Mexican food in America, and chicken wings, HAVE to eat some Buffalo Chicken wings.”

“I’m from Buffalo, we invented those.”

And for a moment, “Diamond” David was speechless, it was as if he went to Rome and met the Pope, “…you are from where Buffalo Wings were invented…”

“Yep, Anchor Bar on Main Street, been there a bunch.”

I don’t know what the Australian word for “OMG” is but I saw what the Australian look for it is. Between you and me pretty much exactly like my “kilo” face up above.

“…yeah Texas…”

“Can an Australian order the American Breakfast on the menu.”
Lauren McGrath

Meet the leaders of the Australian B.A.S.S. Nation, from stage right to left: “Diamond” David Welfare; Lauren McGrath, Australian B.A.S.S. Nation Marketing; Drew McGrath, Australian B.A.S.S. Nation President.

It is the simple things that help us understand each other better. I’m at breakfast with the Aussie team leaders, across from me the President of the B.A.S.S Nation in Australia just ordered Hot Chocolate with his breakfast.

There is no Hot Chocolate box on the order form that the waiter can check off, he is just standing there, dinning room détente.

I look at Drew and just shake my head. “Um, okay, how about coffee.”  The waiter pretty much trots away from the table.

“Diamond” David: “You know the service in America is amazing, not so much in Australia, sure in the real fancy places, but this waiter has been to this table three times asking if everything is okay, filled our water, very attentive, impressive.”

Behind “Diamond” David and out of sight I can see the waiter writing stuff down while shaking his head.

Drew: “I think it is because in America they don’t get paid much it’s all based on their tips and the better they are the more tips they make.”

Lauren: “We don’t tip much at home, we do if it is outstanding service, but not like how Americans tip.”

Drew: “In Australia the minimum wage is something like almost $15 an hour in U.S. money, that’s minimum…”

“Diamond” David: “At Aldi we pay what would be $24 U.S. an hour minimum, but I have to say, your service in America is brilliant just brilliant.”

Sitting there I googled minimum wage in Texas…$7.25.

The waiter comes back, “Sir would you like blueberries in your pancakes?”

“Blueberries, ah no.”

The waiter leaves, “Blueberries in pancakes how weird, don’t think I have ever had that in my life.”

At this point every one at the table starts telling me things about food and other stuff that is different Down Under. I’m going to put quotes around what is said because I wrote it down as fast and accurately as possible but I have no idea who said what.

At this moment, breakfast has arrived; three people at the table are studying our “American bacon.”

“It’s crisp.”

“Wow that’s different, and it’s not all there.”

I look at it, I’m about to try and steal some of it when a smart phone is handed to me with this photo showing: “That’s not how we do our bacon, ours comes with the pork loin still attached.”

Another person at the table is eyeing the biscuit, “We don’t have biscuits either, we do have toast with jelly and scones, no biscuits.”

Me: “There goes half the South coming for a visit.”

“…and we had some fun…”

“Each audience is different.”
~ Prince

Time to drill down, “So what do you have that we don’t, what’s different in America than from where you live?”

“Most of us live on the coast, we eat seafood a bunch, we eat fresh vegetables and fruits, we grow Bananas, can’t grow Asparagus so we have to import it, probably pay $1.50 U. S. a bunch, cherries maybe $4 a pound, oranges $3.25 a pound, BTW we don’t call it ‘Shrimp on the Barbie,’ we call them Prawns down there but Americanized it for you because you call Prawns…shrimp.”

“Turkey for us, we have it but only really eat it on Christmas.”

Me: “Do you have donuts?”

“Yep, Krispy Kreme.”

Cool, I can still go there.

“We have McDonald’s but we don’t have the McCafe, we did but they took it out, we are VERY particular about our coffee, no offense to Starbucks but our coffee pretty much begins at that quality and goes up from there.”

“We don’t call ketchup, ketchup, we call it tomato sauce.”

“Our basic staple is the Meat Pie, it’s meat inside a pastry.” I saw a picture of it, looks like a chicken pot pie without the gravy and veggies.

“You order a hamburger down there and every hamburger comes with a sliced beet on it, lettuce, onion and tomato sauce, sometimes Pineapple, not so much mustard, that’s mainly on hot dogs.”

I’m shocked to see that they still make beets (beet growers/lovers don’t get all snarky on me over that please).

“You have Ranch dressing, as I was packing I couldn’t wait to get here and have Ranch dressing.”

“Me too, I came here and have to have before I leave, Ranch dressing, Buffalo wings, Fresca, fried mozzarella sticks and maple flavored jerky.”

“To be honest, the quantity and variety of food and other stuff in America is amazing, just amazing.”

“…it’s alright, we’re doin’ fine…”

“My mother once got a hole in one because the golf ball bounced off a kangaroo and went in the hole.”
Lauren McGrath

They do have tons of kangaroos walking around, no squirrels though.

Have roughly 23 million people, not many in the middle, most live around the sides, is a continent not an island, must have cable since they left me after breakfast to drive up two hours to Waco, Texas, to see if they could find HGTV’s Chip & Joanna of the Fixer Upper with Chip and Joanna Gaines show and eat in some sort of silo thing.

But as they were leaving we circled back to the “cookie thing.”

“We do have Tim Tan cookies you know.”

I don’t, “What’s that?”

“It’s a chocolate biscuit, two layers of chocolate malted biscuit with a chocolate crème filling in between.”

Oh my.

“We eat it like this, we bite off one corner then flip it around and bite off the corner on the other end then we suck the milk up through it.”

OMG!!!

I went online and typed that into Google just in case this was some cruel Australian joke being played on America.

Dudes, it’s not.

We are lagging in the cookie polling without that thing on our cookie shelves.

My P.O. box in Farmington, CT is 892…just saying.

With or without your Tim Tan’s I’m a huge fan of Australia, even bigger fan of the people of Australia.

I wish you lived closer, your grace, your humor, your music, your fairness, to me is your greatest export.

Ta,
db

“…you’ve been thunderstruck.”
Thunderstruck
AC/DC

“God bless America. God save the Queen. God defend New Zealand and thank Christ for Australia.”
~ Russell Crowe